Mackenzie's Present

If you spend your time following A Dog, Paloma, the Red-Headed Yetis, or Penis Clamp, then you probably don't know Mindy Happystance from Adam. Today I shall rectify this situation.

Mindy Happystance is the latest teen pop sensation to come out of Vail. She auditioned twice for American Idol and currently sings along the Front Range in family-oriented establishments and at debutante gatherings. She is also performs in Colorado 's resort towns.

Adam is my next door neighbor who's going to get a boot in his ass if he doesn't lay off the Whitesnake. Adam has a nine year old daughter named MacKenzie who gets to visit her daddy on Saturdays and Sundays while her mommy attends anger management classes at the local YMCA. Sometimes MacKenzie visits me while Adam entertains temporary mommies in his bedroom. MacKenzie LOVES Mindy Happystance. MacKenzie says, “Mindy Happystance is better than Britney Spears and Barbie and the Powerpuff Girls combined.”

MacKenzie also says, “Mindy Happystance is a good singer. She's pretty. She can dance good. Her CD is really, really, really good. I wish I could see her sing someday.”

As an early Hanukah present, I took MacKenzie to see Mindy Happystance at the Thornton Community Center . Mindy Happystance, singing to the accompaniment of a boom box, entertained a group of young girls and their parents for about half an hour. As a super special surprise, after the show I gave MacKenzie my handheld tape recorder and a press pass and sent her into Mindy's dressing room to conduct an interview while I waited outside.

What follows is a transcription of the interview:

MacKenzie: Hi.

Mindy Happystance: Hi. Can I help you?

Mac: I'm a beat writer for the Westword . Can I interview you?

Mindy (laughing): Westword , huh? That'll be just fine. What's your name?

Mac: Mackenzie Jessica Isaakov.

Mindy: Where shall we start?

Mac: You dance real good.

Mindy: Thanks.

Mac: Remember that song, “Lift Me Up”? What's it about?

Mindy: It's about being in love with someone you love very much.

Mac: What about the part where you say, “When I look down on you and you stick out your tongue you pick me up so high”? Is that about sticking out your tongue at someone?

Mindy: Uh, yeah. That's it.

Mac: But you don't stick out your tongue at someone you love.

Mindy: Sometimes you do, I guess. Anyway, I didn't write that song.

Mac: Really? Who did?

Mindy: I don't know. Some guy in Nashville .

Mac: A BOY? You let a boy write your song? That's weird! Also, how old are you?

Mindy: I've been singing for six years, if that tells you anything.

Mac: How old are you?

Mindy: I'll tell you but first--

[click, the tape player is shut off. The conversation resumes after brief break]

Mac: --way! That's old ! My dad isn't even that old.

Mindy: Did you like the show?

Mac: It was awesome. My friend, Strapping, says you must be awfully cold in your clothes. Are you?

Mindy: No, I'm just a little, uh…

Mac: He also says that I should never ever act anything like you. He's stupid, isn't he?

Mindy: Well…

Mac: He says that girls my age don't know what sex is and you encourage us to parade around like a bunch of streetwalkers with our midriffs exposed to perverts. What's a midriff?

Mindy: That's, like, your belly button. Your uncle sounds like a well-meaning man but--

Mac: He's not my uncle, he's my friend.

Mindy: Your friend, then. He, um, he's kind of mean.

Mac: He is not! He's my friend.

Mindy: I know. But he says bad things about me so you won't like me because he's sort of grumpy.

Mac: Sure. You're pretty. Can you teach me how to dance?

Mindy: Maybe someday.

Mac: Do you know Brittney Spears?

Mindy: No. I've never met her.

Mac: Why not?

Mindy: I've just never had the chance. I went to see her the last time she was in town. My agent and I tried to talk to her but they wouldn't let me on the bus. When I was a little girl, I did meet Juice Newton once.

Mac: Are you famous?

Mindy: Not yet?

Mac: I think you're famous. You're my favorite. I wish you were my mommy.

Mindy: That's so nice. You'd be a wonderful daughter.

Mac: Do you think you could marry my daddy?

Mindy: I've never met your daddy. I doubt I'm his type.

Mac: Yeah. You're probably right. I don't think he likes older women.

Mindy: Listen, thanks for coming by but I have to be at a party in Aspen in six hours.

Mac: Can I come?

Mindy: Probably not. It's a grown-up party.

Mac: Oh. I love you. Can I kiss you on the cheek?

Mindy: Sure.

Mac: Thanks! Bye!

[On the tape we hear McKenzie's footsteps and the sound of a door shutting]

Mindy: Ohmigod! I'm a star. I. Am. A. Star. I was interviewed for the Westword by a cute girl who wants to be my daughter. [sound of mirror being broken] No! I am nothing. I will never be anyone. I'm going grind a pole for a bachelor party in six hours. No! No! No! I am somebody! And one day I'll be happy. I promise. Then all the little girls will want to be my daughter. Please, dear God, let me be famous. Let them love me. I'll do anything. Anything.

[Door opens, footsteps approach]

Mac: Sorry! I almost forgot my tape recorder!

[click]

THE END

--Strapping Danforth, December, 2003